Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
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“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Love it! 👍😂
This meal prepping shit easy
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale