One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
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Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have