My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
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[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
These people act like they鈥檝e never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 馃檪
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Never forget when I saw CHILD鈥橲 PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
ME: let鈥檚 do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can鈥檛 snort anything with that
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*