I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
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him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly