I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
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I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Had an epiphany today.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.