Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
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Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
A great tip. #CakeRex
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Very problematic
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.