That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
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whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Damn he played himself
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail