Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
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Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
no one likes gloating
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.