Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
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When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage