If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
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I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Y’all ready for this
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
When your man makes a valid point
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?