*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
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In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Sorry not sorry.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.