Why aren’t more people talking about this?
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My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.