Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
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You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old