Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
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(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.