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parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
sleeping beauty
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
I was bored.
😬
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?