I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
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REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*