My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
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Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
*limbos under the caution tape
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
classic mixup
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “