I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
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My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam