Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
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It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Blew out my flip flop…
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?