Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
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Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.