What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
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My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship