Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
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Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Only a mother’s love …
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too