My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
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*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
How I like cutting carbs
Thoughts