When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
You Might Also Like
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Why are bridges so flammable.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️