Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
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Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets