My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
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My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Science memes
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I triple waxed for this?
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9