Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
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When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.