When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
You Might Also Like
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Same pineapple, same
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Brother?
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]