When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
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Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
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just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
They’re called werewolves.
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Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
The Weeknd is back
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If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.