Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
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wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
A dead goose is called a ghoost
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world