My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
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me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.