Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
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No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’