I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
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wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Pretty certain I can more drunk
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
dude it’s called proctologist
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know