When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
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Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car