Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
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wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
LOL
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day