It do be feeling this way.
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[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Just this preview of the story is enough
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.