wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
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“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
He died doing what he loved: being alive
there’s probably a fee though
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.