Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
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No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it