“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
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They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.