*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
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cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.