Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
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me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community