“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
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Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Namaste
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
IT’S-A ME,
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader