You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
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Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
I wish all tests were things you peed on
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.