Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
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chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Real House Wines.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Merica.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.