her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
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Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”