Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
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After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Do not steal food from the science building!
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.