I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
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There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single