mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
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Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.