My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
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Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place