My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
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Very good news from my accountant
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!