Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
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I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Called it
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best